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Post by moralhazard on May 17, 2019 19:11:26 GMT
Kara just – stared at Dhaunmyr. Her eyes were wide, and she looked as stunned as if he’d hit her. Probably more stunned, because if he’d hit her when she wasn’t expecting it, she could have actually reacted. There was a lot happening, all of a sudden. She was his reason for staying? Kara felt – confused, upset, terrified, and a few more things she couldn’t name.
Dhaunmyr didn’t even let her stop to think about it. He was moving ahead – asking if she’d thought about a place that was hers. Hers? Kara couldn’t think of the last time she had had anything like that, not since Sundabar, not since things she couldn’t think about. It had never occurred to her that she might be able to have something like that here in Waterdeep, and she didn’t know if she could afford it, and she knew that to have something meant she might lose it, but – now that the idea was out there, yes, Kara thought. It would be – it would be good to have something hers. Her head was spinning.
And then Dhaunmyr was – if she’d want him to stay with her? There was something in his tone she couldn’t identify and Kara didn’t know what to make of it. Was he teasing her? Was he – Kara didn’t understand how there was even a question about it, but there was something to his tone that made her think – even if he was playing with his hair – that he wasn’t so casual about it. He was glancing at her – waiting?
It was too much. It was all way too much.
Kara realized, very abruptly, that there were tears in her eyes. She rubbed her arm vigorously against her face. It didn’t help. The tears were leaking out and spilling down her cheeks and Kara let out a noise that she hoped didn’t sound like a sob (it did). She felt tired and miserable and just – so happy.
She felt happy.
Kara was still sitting and staring at Dhaunmyr, and now there were tears streaming down her face. After what would feel to both of them like an unbearably long time, Kara let out another stifled attempt at not sobbing, doubled over into her hands, and managed to choke out the only reply she could manage.
“Can I – h-have a hug?”
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Post by enchilada on May 17, 2019 19:29:44 GMT
Dhaunmyr had said too much. That didn’t just apply here, though, Dhaunmyr always said too much. He’d said too much in total, throughout his entire life, and now he’d made the most important person in his life cry.
He really didn’t know what to do, other than sit and feel like the worst creature in the world. He put everything on the bed on the nightstand, and stared, and pushed his hair off his face, and stared, and Dhaunmyr started fussing and his hands were like moths against glass windowpanes when the candle was on in the room and—
A question, a simple one, one to act on and not focus on. Dhaunmyr nodded, and immediately wrapped her in an embrace, tightly holding her to him. It was rare he got to hold her, and unfortunate that it always seemed to be when one of them was in a bad place, but he wouldn’t make a fuss about any of that, he just needed to help her and he wanted to help her and she was the only person in the world who would ever matter to him like this.
“Always.” He responded, mumbling into the air. Dhaunmyr would always be there for Kara and — he should have been there with her, he should have been there to help her. He’d made a mistake that he was not making again. Next time Kara said she was off doing something, he’d be there with her, Dhaunmyr would fucking be there.
Nobody got to make her upset. No one. For the first time, Dhaunmyr felt good that something was dead, it comforted him to know that these creatures wouldn’t get the satisfaction that they might have, for a second, crossed her mind. They were dead. And he would have been beyond reason if they weren’t.
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Post by moralhazard on May 17, 2019 19:53:20 GMT
Kara uncurled a little when Dhaunmyr’s arms wrapped around her, leaning into him. She stopped trying to fight the tears, and just let them come, sobbing softly into his shoulder.
If he had asked – most likely, Kara wouldn’t have been able to bring herself to explain, not really. But she did know why she was crying; it was because this kind of happiness meant you had something to lose. Something that, if it was taken away from you, torn a hole through you and left you empty and aching. And while she wouldn’t have put it in such terms, Kara had thought that she’d been torn apart too many times already to feel this way again.
And, worse, she really didn’t know if she could survive another such loss. In truth, she didn’t know how she’d survived those she had already faced.
But just now, in this moment, it felt – very nice to have a hug, a proper hug, and Kara let herself be comforted by it. It was too late not to be friends with Dhaunmyr; she had already let him into her heart. So she could run away now, do the tearing herself, and hope for the best. Or –
Or.
Kara had never lacked for courage.
Kara took a deep, slow breath. The decision helped; the tears slowed to a stop. She didn’t pull away the very first second she was done crying; she let herself stay in Dhaunmyr’s arms just a few moments longer.
Then, slowly, cheeks blushing red, Kara pulled back. “I’m sorry,” she said. He’d told her before not to apologize for tears, but it was too instinctive; Kara couldn’t help it. She took a big, deep breath, settling the trembling in her hands and arms, and wiped her face on her forearm one last time. Another deep breath, and Kara felt at rights again. It was an odd feeling, having cried so much. She felt – lighter. Cleaner. Most of the lingering fear from that morning was gone, and the sudden surge of panic she’d felt at the thought of Dhaunmyr leaving was gone too.
“I don’t – know if I can afford a place,” Kara said, slowly and thoughtfully, her voice only hitching a little. “But I – I would like it if you stayed with me.”
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Post by enchilada on May 17, 2019 20:15:04 GMT
Dhaunmyr nodded, instead of telling her not to apologise. “Hey, it’s okay, I understand.” He didn’t really understand completely, but he understood upset and pain. He understood not knowing what to do, other than cry onto someone’s shoulder, and, he understood not really knowing what to say when the tears stopped coming. “Not a tear more, alright? Else you’ll get me started.”
He glanced, for a moment, at his books, and then back at Kara. “Us two together? We can afford a place. For sure.”
Dhaunmyr had no idea what amount of money Kara had, but rent in a place closer to the inn they were in currently, that sort of money would for sure go towards the funds in his business, and come together to be able to score somewhere half-decent. Of course, regardless of where Dhaunmyr lived, he was sure it would be absolutely wonderful, with Kara.
Then, there was a knock on the door. “One second, keep on that thought.” It was an expected knock, and likely a little familiar by now. Dhaunmyr enjoyed buying food for Kara, it made him feel like he was actually contributing to the relationship, even if it really was just monetary. He used her to prop himself up emotionally, and even when she wasn’t around, she was still one of the reasons he could...
He came back from the door with two plates, something Dhaunmyr seemed oddly pleased about. When he sat down, it was pretty clear why. A nice hot dinner for Kara, and a plate piled high with cakes and sweets and pastries that he really intended to share.
“So, together, yes, house.”
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Post by moralhazard on May 17, 2019 20:31:41 GMT
Kara nodded agreement to no more tears, a faint look of horror crossing her face when Dhaunmyr said he might start crying if she did again, followed by a more vigorous nod.
Kara wasn’t as sure as Dhaunmyr about their ability to afford something. She had done well since coming to Waterdeep; it wasn’t since her first weeks that she had had to choose between food and rent. She was frugal anyway, carefully saving her coins, and she had managed to afford new gear and repairs for her glaive, through a lot of double shifts and a few adventures. But she trusted Dhaunmyr, and she thought he probably knew better about such things than she did.
Kara waited for him to return, doing her best not to stare embarrassingly at the food and largely failing. She hadn’t been this hungry in a while, and little surprise; Kara hadn’t been able to eat more than a few bites of food the day before, and she hadn’t eaten anything all day today.
Kara made a face at the sight of the sweets - Dhaunmyr needed healthy foods - but it was a playful one. Really, she was happy if he ate anything. Kara nodded. “Together,” she agreed, quietly.
Kara sat on the edge of the bed, positioning the tray on the nightstand, and ate. It was chicken pot pie; the crust was flaky and buttery, and the meat and vegetables inside steamed beautifully. She took a deep breath over it, eyes closing for a moment, then ate the first bite with reverential pleasure, letting out a soft sigh of contentment. It was delicious.
Kara ate the next few bites with the same desperate hunger which she had attacked the first few meals Dhaunmyr had seen her eat. Then, consciously, deliberately, she set her utensils down, forcing herself to take a break. Too much too fast, and she might not be able to keep it down.
Kara drank a little water, looking at Dhaunmyr. “Where?” She asked, curiously. It was a big city, and it wasn’t like his inn was very near the Bird’s Rest.
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Post by enchilada on May 17, 2019 21:11:53 GMT
Dhaunmyr had only really ever picked at food around Kara, tips of vegetables, crumbs... he pretty much demolished the first custard pastry in a few seconds, the next one was faster-
He copied her, slowing down for a moment, but he was still nibbling at whatever was last in his hand, ah, a little lemon cake. Right.
“I mean, that’s a good question. Somewhere not so near any taverns would be ideal, mostly because it’ll be quieter, partially because I might actually sleep in my bed, or trance, or whatever.” He smiled. “In terms of wards, I think we’ll just have to look at the actual numbers and decide that way. I can probably get some idea in the guild, actually. I never use the guild for anything, you know? But I don’t really notice the membership fee, so.” Dhaunmyr shrugged.
“Anywhere in particular you want to be in decent walking distance of? I assume the Gathering would be on the list. And you, uh, have other friends, so...” Dhaunmyr said that almost guiltily. He did have other friends himself, but they were either acting as his mothers, or, they were... he didn’t want Kara to know he was so close with Dredka. Not yet. And there were two others, but they were extremely complicated.
He finished the cake in his hand, actually taking time to properly taste this one.
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Post by moralhazard on May 17, 2019 22:03:46 GMT
Kara stared at Dhaunmyr, utterly shocked. She had never seen him eat so – enthusiastically. Mentally, Kara revised her opinion; Dhaunmyr should eat more sweets. They couldn’t be worse for him than wine – could they? – and maybe then he would actually put on some weight. At least she could try to find some desserts for him with fruit in them – those flaky pie things with apple slices, maybe.
Kara took another sip of water. She rubbed her head slightly, and nodded. “I don’t mind walking,” Kara shrugged a little. She had a good sense of Waterdeep on foot by now. “Work’s mostly Dock Ward and Castle Ward. North or South Ward sometimes.” At that point, more or less the whole city was included, except maybe the Trade Wards. And the Sea Ward; Kara didn’t like working there, it was mostly rich people needing guards, and she didn’t enjoy it.
Other friends? Kara shrugged again. She wasn’t exactly sure who she’d call a friend. Solstice. Solstice was a friend. She and Toby lived in the Castle Ward. Mrs. Mossrun – Kara did odd jobs for her sometimes. She wasn’t… exactly a friend, but Kara liked her. Lackpurse Lane was sort of in the Castle Ward, sort of in the Dock Ward. Caim. He stayed in the Dock Ward. Gigi? Kara was still deciding about Gigi. Her clinic was in the Castle Ward too, close to the City of the Dead. It wouldn’t be bad to be able to get there, if Kara decided – if she wanted – well. Ainsley Kara wasn’t sure about yet either.
“Castle Ward’d be nice,” Kara volunteered, finally, cautiously, after weighing it all over. “If we can.” She picked up her fork and knife again, stretching out several more long and deeply savored bites of her meal.
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Post by enchilada on May 17, 2019 22:43:37 GMT
“Yeah, we can have a look around the Castle Ward, if that sort of thing works out. I’m sure that won’t be an issue at all, but... just in case.” Dhaunmyr smiled. He was certain that money wouldn’t be an issue.
What would potentially be an issue was that he was suddenly essentially cutting himself off from everyone except Kara, which was fine, he loved her dearly, but he knew Faerveren and Brennip were planning to move along soon, and he was supposed to go with them. Plus, if he was happy to leave them to stay with Kara, had he been selfish when he stopped seeing his ex-boyfriend? Clearly he was capable of settling down. So, Dhaunmyr had realistically made a mistake.
But Eilistraee pushed him away from the villages and towns, and she kept him tied to Waterdeep, for reasons he didn’t understand even slightly. Why? What was here? Everything seemed either not unique, or mobile. Kara still had legs.
And, more importantly, had he really learnt everything he had to learn from his friends? He didn’t feel like it was time for them to go. Dhaunmyr was still struggling, he still felt and did terrible things, and, it was like... he’d be alone.
“I suppose I need to figure out what I’m saying to Faerveren and Brennip. Their ideas of what I do, I suppose, don’t really matter, but I’m still a little worried that.. I don’t know.” Dhaunmyr took another cake, and, biting into it, his shoulders slumped as in a sigh. “All I have to say is, if they run off and get married while I’m in Waterdeep, I’m absolutely overreacting.”
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Post by moralhazard on May 17, 2019 22:53:22 GMT
Kara nodded. The Castle Ward was nice and central; she didn’t think Dhaunmyr would like living in the Dock Ward, but it wouldn’t take her too far away either. If they could afford it. She knew it would mean working hard and saving every last copper and silver she could, but Kara was willing. She had gold saved, now, proper gold, and she had – magical items. She could sell those, she supposed; she doubted her weapons were worth anything, and she’d rather keep them, but there were the goggles she’d found in those tunnels with Solstice, even the horn she’d taken from the orcs today. She’d rather have a home than either of them.
A home.
It was a nice thought.
“They won’t – want you to?” Kara asked, cautiously. She thought Faerveren and Brennip liked her, and she felt a little pang of hurt at the idea that they wouldn’t want Dhaunmyr to leave the inn and move in with her. It wasn’t like they couldn’t visit! They would be welcome. Kara wasn’t – very good at hospitality, she hadn’t had much occasion for it lately, but Dhaunmyr would be good at that kind of stuff, Kara was sure.
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Post by enchilada on May 18, 2019 13:27:58 GMT
Dhaunmyr didn’t say anything for a moment, before gesturing vaguely in a way that seemed to suggest he wasn’t certain. “They’re leaving soon. I was going to go with them, but, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get myself up to it. I think, if I was going, I’d just have to leave and not say anything.”
He sighed. “I suppose they will come back eventually, and of course, we can write, but I have a terrible history with letters. You know, even after I wrote a letter to her in one of the first stops, she never... I never got a response. And then, I haven’t sent any kind of word to — I’m sort of a terrible person in that regard.” Dhaunmyr felt it to be true. Kara had lost people she cared about and they were not coming back. Dhaunmyr had run away from one person, and run away from commitment not long after, and even though he figured he probably still cared for both, one more than the other, there was absolutely no attempt to cherish the fact that he could literally just go and see whoever it was, whenever he wanted.
“I’m sure they’ll want me to go on my own direction at some stage. I don’t know, I — this is so... soon. I’ve barely been up here for long at all! And now, I’m staying. Here. With you.”
Dhaunmyr’s mind was less with Faerveren and Brennip, and more with what he was supposed to be doing, who he was supposed to be dealing with, what he was supposed to do when he was ready. It was — it hadn’t been long at all, barely a blink, compared to his lifetime. But he was still... uncertain, of what would happen next. Would there be consequences? Was this time to go home? Was it not long enough?
If nobody cared enough to check up on him even when he asked them to, did it matter?
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Post by moralhazard on May 18, 2019 13:45:56 GMT
Kara looked faintly stunned again. She’d been in the middle of taking another bite of her pot pie, and she set the fork down. Faerveren and Brennip - leaving? And Dhaunmyr wanted to stay here - wanted to choose her over them?
Kara felt flattered, grateful, and very much afraid. What if she screwed it up? She had stopped waiting for the day when Dhaunmyr finally got sick of her awkwardness; he seemed immune to it. But... choosing to stay? What if he regretted it?
“Are you sure?” Kara asked in a very small, very hesitant voice. It was as if she thought that, upon being asked, Dhaunmyr might suddenly realize he did want to go. She ignored the part about how he’d planned to leave without ever telling her, not knowing what to say to it. It was a bit - cruel.
Kara had no idea what Dhaunmyr had or hadn’t written a letter to. Hadn’t, apparently. Was she the she from... down there? Why would he - no, Kara wasn’t surprised he would write to her. Even Kara could tell he was messed up about that. Or was he thinking about someone he had met up here?
“You should write to them,” Kara said, firmly. She picked her up discarded bite of chicken pot pie and tried again. Keeping in touch with letters was important. Kara would send them, if - if she had anyone to send them to.
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Post by enchilada on May 18, 2019 14:05:56 GMT
“Completely.”
Dhaunmyr was more than sure that he wanted to stay with Kara. Faerveren and Brennip had propped him up enough to be able to meet her, they’d gotten him to where he needed to be. He did love them both, but they were much less important than her, he was certain of it. And, it wasn’t just him, was it? They didn’t need him. Kara did, or he hoped she did, because if she didn’t, it was extremely one-sided and gross. Her vulnerability around him told him that Kara would at least benefit from him staying, a little. Maybe he was overthinking his worth again.
“No, no. It’s not right now. I did a very cruel thing to him, and she’ll do a very cruel thing to me, if she finds out where I am.” He put the plate in his hand down next to him. “But I find it tiring to talk about my love life, if you can call it that.”
It would probably be a stretch.
“But that’s the fun part, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter. I’m important for maybe two hours at a push, and then I don’t matter anymore and I can slip away and never think about it ever again. No one can hurt you if they don’t know a thing about you. Which is why I’m sticking with my stupid decision to make a friend, I’m not leaving you. Otherwise, it’s a waste, I’d have given up, and, for once, I want to see something through, alright? So, yes, I’m sure I want to be with you and not Faerveren and not Brennip. They don’t know me like you do, even if they think they do.”
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Post by moralhazard on May 18, 2019 14:17:31 GMT
Kara opened her mouth to clarify - she had meant Faerveren and Brennip - then shrugged and gave up. It was hard to interrupt Dhaunmyr. She thought it better to let him keep talking.
Kara shrugged at Dhaunmyr’s description of his sex life. It didn’t sound fun to her, but Kara understood that she wasn’t - wasn’t normal about it. Small hands flexed in her lap, and she took another bite of her dinner.
Kara looked up at Dhaunmyr again when he confirmed he was staying. She nodded a little, relieved, and took another bite, chewing and swallowing slowly.
Only then did she - try.
Maybe it was silly. Dhaunmyr knew what he meant to her, didn’t he? But she had been crying, a lot, and she wasn’t sure if he understood, and no matter how hard it would be to talk about it, it suddenly mattered to Kara that he understand. It was important, and that meant it was all right if it was hard.
“I would miss you,” Kara said. The pot pie was sticking in her throat. “If you went.” That wasn’t right; she hadn’t said the right thing. Kara set the fork down and shifted, trying to thing. It was important, wasn’t it? To - to tell him -
“You’re - very important to me.” Kara said, finally, looking down at the bedspread, then up at Dhaunmyr.
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Post by enchilada on May 18, 2019 14:44:55 GMT
Dhaunmyr smiled, it wasn’t like smile he followed up his awful jokes with, nor the one he plastered on when he felt it necessary. His eyelids fluttered, and he covered his mouth. And, sure enough, he started to cry.
It wasn’t sobbing, just the tears and a little sniffling. “Kara look — look at me! I’m allergic to affection! You can’t just...” His voice cracked, at least twice, and he just started laughing about it. “You didn’t — you didn’t hear that!”
Fifty fucking years. And yet.
Dhaunmyr took several deep breaths, and wiped the few tears off on his sleeve. He just — he hadn’t expected her to say that. And he wasn’t entirely aware he was that important to anyone, like, okay, maybe he was, but it had never been made entirely clear to him, you couldn’t read into that statement, at least, not when it came from Kara’s mouth. Maybe if he said that to anyone, they could opt to look into the literature and metaphors and culture around importance, where did that come from? How did that help Dhaunmyr? Why would he want to endear himself to anyone? Where was the betrayal? Ignoring ignorance, Dhaunmyr just came across that way, to some people. He was looking to excel, looking to advance. He did use image and contacts and relationships to get to where he wanted to be. It wasn’t cheating, people were just... easily manipulated.
And that was their problem.
“Thank you. You’re important to me too, Kara, of course, of course you are.” Dhaunmyr looked as though he might cry again, but he didn’t, he just played with his hair a a little. “More than anything else.”
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Post by moralhazard on May 18, 2019 15:39:48 GMT
It wasn’t a smile she had seen before, Kara thought. It was a smile she liked. And then Dhaunmyr started to tear up, like she had earlier, and Kara felt her own eyes get hot again. And even though she shouldn’t have, even though she ought to have felt bad, she felt - happy.
Because if Dhaunmyr didn’t care, not really, he wouldn’t be smiling like that. And he certainly wouldn’t be tearing up.
Kara nodded a little when he returned the words. She didn’t need them; his reaction had been enough. But she was grateful for them anyway.
“Do you - want a hug too?” Kara offered, tentatively. She didn’t feel tense about it. She didn’t know if it was just tonight, if tomorrow it would be as hard as ever, even with Dhaunmyr but she thought - she could do it.
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