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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 17:13:59 GMT
A direct question meant that Kara actually needed to answer it. She looked up at Dhaunmyr, and nodded, then paused, thinking better of it, and responded aloud. “Very good.” Kara, as with their last meal, would chew and savor every bite with nearly as much care as Dhaunmyr; the difference was that she paused, generally, very little between the bites, especially at first. Or, at least, usually she didn’t.
In fact, while Kara was hungry – more than hungry enough to finish the entire plate – there wasn’t the same insistent urgency that usually accompanied her meals, the feeling that her stomach might devour itself if she didn’t eat something right away. As such, after a second little combination bite, Kara set her knife and fork down, looking at Dhaunmyr more attentively.
She looked down at the asparagus, at the tiny little piece that he was spearing with his fork like it had done him personal injury, and watched him raise it to his mouth. Kara didn’t know when the last time Dhaunmyr had eaten was. She wasn’t sure it was any of her place to interfere at all. But – she remembered the way he’d picked and pinched bits off of his bread; it was part and parcel of how he had hunched up in the corner of the couch.
Kara swallowed a little, and – attempted conversation. “Do you like it?” She asked him, looking down at the food then back at the dark elf.
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 17:23:31 GMT
The response made him smile. “I’m glad.” He didn’t push it further. Dhaunmyr knew the amount of conversation to expect by now.
He almost didn’t notice her watching him, Dhaunmyr was quite busy pushing things around his plate, doing quite a good job of hiding things in plain sight. “Oh, yeah. It’s my favourite vegetable.” He grinned, finally making eye contact again. “Did you want some?” He offered it out to her, pretty much expecting her to take the plate. Faerveren hadn’t got to her yet, so he had a fairly good chance of getting rid of the lot.
He was almost surprised that she started up speaking. It did make him feel a little suspicious of Kara, but he supposed what he was doing didn’t seem terribly normal for someone who was enjoying their meal. That said, it wasn’t much of a meal. He was pretty much done now, maybe just one more fork and he’d be pretty much ready to move back to drawing.
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 17:44:19 GMT
Kara looked at Dhaunmyr, then down at his plate again. There was almost a disappointed expression on her face once more. She could still see the little pastry-looking things sitting there, plus a lot of the various green things that he hadn’t eaten. It seemed like a terrible shame to waste them, although Kara knew she couldn’t do it herself; no matter how enthusiastic she felt was about eating two plates of food at once, it would make her puke. Or it might. That was an even worse waste of food.
“No…” Kara trailed off, slowly, looking at Dhaunmyr’s plate, then back at him. She shifted, a little, squirming on the bed.
It wasn’t her place, Kara told herself. It wasn’t – she shouldn’t – but it was a waste of food and training both. Kara swallowed a little, and expanded on her earlier theme of the important of eating to training, re-capturing a little of the training master ease that she had had while instructing Dhaunmyr on how to punch.
“You need food after training,” Kara said, firmly, hands resting on either side of her own plate. “Your body needs it to – to rebuild. If you don’t eat your hands won’t heal, and you won’t – you won’t get stronger.” She looked squarely at Dhaunmyr, the same look she’d give him when he’d been hesitant about trying the punches or other exercises, unyielding.
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 18:09:48 GMT
“I can’t do it.”
It wasn’t a joke, it didn’t come across as an excuse, it was a statement, a fact. Dhaunmyr could not eat anything else. He also couldn’t explain why. Faerveren had initially come at him to tell him that he looked fine, he didn’t need to worry about how heavy he was. But that wasn’t it. He was actually increasingly aware that he needed to eat a bit more. But he just couldn’t do it. Maybe it was some kind of distrust in the food, but he’d already eaten the same thing, made by the same people multiple times now, so they weren’t trying to poison him. It wasn’t logical, it was dangerous. He had a feeling that the wine was the only thing keeping his head up. It was full of energy, and it had really gotten to the stage where he didn’t care where his energy came from anymore. As long as it stopped him fainting.
“I know this won’t make sense to you, but I can’t do it. I haven’t eaten a proper meal since the morning of my birthday, which was also the day I left to reach the surface. And I also know it’s bad. And I don’t know why.” Dhaunmyr began to twist the ring around his finger, shaking his head.
Such a simple thing and he couldn’t do it! He couldn’t even eat.
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 20:45:58 GMT
That was – not the response Kara had expected. She stared at Dhaunmyr for a moment. Couldn’t – couldn’t eat? Kara looked down at the plate of food in his lap, almost untouched, then back at the dark elf. Couldn’t eat, when – for months, she had lived on the barest rations, thin measly gruel and water that made you sick one in three times, until they had caught rats and lizards crawling the walls of their prison and eaten them raw because there was no fire to cook them on, for so long that when she had come out she had made herself sick trying to eat even bread and food because she couldn’t stop, because she had lived with hunger so long that –
Kara squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath. These things had happened. They weren’t Dhaunmyr’s fault – they had nothing to do with him. These things had happened, and there was no help in getting angry about them now, or in dwelling on them. Kara took another deep breath, slowly, in and out. The past was the past, and it was also past; she would not dwell on it. Dhaunmyr had his own challenges to face, and they were different from hers.
Kara’s eyes were clear again when she opened them, and the look of anger that had flashed across her face was gone. Her hands were still curled in her lap, but they were just curled, not squeezed into tight fists.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Kara admitted, softly. She was quiet again. Well, she was always quiet. “Are you – nauseous?” Kara asked.
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 21:55:27 GMT
The anger had him ready, an arm above his head to push away any incoming attacks. None came. He peeked around the limb. Kara was calm again, and shakily, his arm rested at his side.
“Yes? No. That doesn’t make me want to not eat, it happens because I don’t want to eat, like if you’d gorged yourself, then someone presented a buffet, you’d feel sick. It comes... it comes afterwards. But I can drink all day, water, juice, syrupy alcoholic drinks, anything like that. Eating is hard, it’s so hard. And I don’t know what she’d say about this, either. I’m sure she’d just have slapped me and shoved the whole thing down my throat by now. I’ve had every suggestion come my way, there’s really no helping it at this stage. I’m sorry, it’s really rather idiotic, and it’s nonsensical, but unfortunately, if you want to still be friendly with me, you’ll simply have to grow accustomed to it as another of my many quirks. I’m sure you’ve picked up one ones I don’t even know about. No one’s keeping me in check up here.”
He put the plate beside him, and, still shakily, both arms snaked up to grip the hair at either side of his head. “No one’s stopping me from doing anything! I can do anything I want! And I can’t even do it, I can’t even look after myself. I can’t even figure out basic— I can’t do this! There’s nowhere for me, Kara!”
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 22:11:45 GMT
Kara felt a pulse of guilt at the sight of Dhaunmyr’s arm lifted protectively over his head. That was body language she understood. She shouldn’t have gotten angry, Kara told herself. It wasn’t right. She would work at her control; she would do better.
Drinking was all right. Kara made a note of that, looking at Dhaunmyr. There was a lot going on that she didn’t understand. There was someone – a she – the same she from before? Someone who would have… slapped him and shoved the food down his throat? Kara thought that sounded terrible but in all honesty, she couldn’t tell whether Dhaunmyr was complaining about it or missing it.
The dam broke again, and then Dhaunmyr looked like he might start crying and Kara’s eyes were wide. She felt overwhelmed just at the sight of his emotions. She didn’t like the way he was pulling his hair either, it looked painful, but Kara didn’t know what to do, just – sitting there on the bed with him, her plate on her lap, staring wide-eyed at the dark elf. She didn’t understand what he was saying either. He could do anything he wanted but he didn’t… want to… do anything?
Was he homesick? Kara thought of everything Dhaunmyr had said about the Underdark, and she thought maybe she understood. He didn’t want to be there but he didn’t like it here either. Kara thought she could understand that; the only place she wanted to be was gone. But she was here now, in Waterdeep. There was no… what was the this that he wasn’t doing? Kara wasn’t really sure she understood.
Kara didn’t know what to say; she didn’t know what to do either. “What do you want to… do?” She asked, tentatively, looking at Dhaunmyr.
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 22:27:57 GMT
“I don’t know!” He swung backwards, now hanging his torso off the edge of the bed. “I wish I did. I say I wander, I haven’t left Waterdeep. I say I’m some kind of experienced foreign visitor, I don’t even know what a ‘bear’ is! I say I want to be completely real, but I’m a liar, Kara, a massive liar! I don’t even know what’s true anymore, I’ve lied so much.”
He finally pushed himself onto the floor, then stood up, hands in his pockets, pacing around. “I can’t remember my last week there, at least. I get so... so mixed up. And no matter who I talk to, it’s like they don’t even care!” Dhaunmyr pulled the gauges out of his ears, maybe a little too violently for the worry of a rip to not cross one’s mind. “I thought I could be someone different here, and I really wanted to be, but I’m not compatible, it doesn’t work. But if I went back, I couldn’t be blind like before. I know it’s wrong now. I think I always did, but it was far easier to pretend like everything was normal. And I can’t go back, I can’t stay, I can’t leave. Kara what in Lol- the gods’ name am I supposed to even do?” He stopped his pacing, and approached her again, arm outstretched.
And then he took it back. “No. You don’t deserve this. Ignore me. We’re supposed to be-” His voice was finally starting to crack a bit, he squeezed his eyes tight and just knelt where he had been standing. “I’m a bad person, I’m a worse friend. Leave.” He shifted to one knee, hugging the other to his chest.
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 22:40:50 GMT
Kara watched, wide-eyed, as Dhaunmyr flopped back off the bed, hanging off of the edge of it towards the ground. She swallowed a little, staying still on the bed as he paced back and forth, following him with her eyes. He reached for her, and Kara flinched, unable to help it, and he dropped to the ground, kneeling, hugging one knee to his chest.
Kara didn’t know what to do but she decided she wouldn’t leave. That, at least – she could – she could stay.
Kara didn’t say anything for a long time, just sitting on Dhaunmyr’s bed, watching him. She had never confronted doubts like these, and they were a little beyond her understanding. What was one supposed to do? To live, to earn money, to – try and make the world a little safer. That was enough to keep Kara going. She hadn’t wanted more than that in a long time, more than the ability to get up in the morning and go about. Under the Freewolves she had had money and security, but not freedom, and freedom was worth more to her than either.
“A bear is a big animal,” Kara said, quietly, when too long had passed and she thought maybe something needed to be said. She was still just – sitting, legs dangling off the edge of his bed, toes just resting on the ground, hands in her lap, back straight upright; she still hadn’t leaned back against the comfortable pile of cushions. “The one who made the scar was – a female bear. Maybe three feet taller than me. They have brown fur, very shaggy, but their faces look a little like dogs, except with rounded ears.” Kara quieted again.
After a moment, slowly, Kara started again. "I left the city for a few days, I - I couldn't be here anymore. I slept in the woods. I met the bear, she - I was between her and her cub. She attacked me," Kara touched the scars on her shoulder. "I ran away." She lowered her hands to her lap again, taking a deep breath. "A few days later I came across her and - three men. Hunters. They had trapped her cub and were trying to - take her as well. She wouldn't - wouldn't let them, it was three on one but she fought for her cub," Kara was quiet again, hands flexing, opening and closing on her lap.
"I killed two of them," Kara continued. "She killed the third, and - almost killed me too. They cut her claw off," she lifted her hand to wrap around the bear claw on her neck, holding it tightly. "I... I think - I think about her a lot." Kara lowered her eyes to the ground. "When it's too much and I - I think about her. She was so brave and she didn't know how to be any different."
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 23:12:15 GMT
Dhaunmyr was getting pretty annoyed, well, more than that. A kind of dark rage that he’d only barely flashed once before in mutterings. But it practically consumed him. He told her to leave. That meant now! Pathetic, useless, incapable, bumbling-
And then she spoke. He was about to rise, but the words froze him, softened his stare and lifted it up to her. He listened intently, falling back on his legs and resting the arm almost pushing him back to his feet. His expression hadn’t changed terribly much, but it was in the eyes, in his actions, or lack of them, that he was actually displaying anything.
He was so close. If he’d gotten up, she’d have been lucky she was who she was. Dhaunmyr knew he couldn’t beat her in any test of strength, but his instincts didn’t necessarily get the same message. And she was so close. An arm’s width.
“You did the right thing.” He was quiet, croaking, clearly about on the edge of tears. He reached up again, but not in any hysterical questioning, like he could grab the answers out of her, but instead, in a pathetic kind of desperation. He didn’t know what to do with his life, nor did he know what to do in the moment. “All of it.”
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 23:23:20 GMT
Kara had kept her eyes largely on Dhaunmyr as she spoke. She hadn’t known how to name what was on his face but she didn’t think she wanted to either. It was a relief when it crumpled and fell, leaving behind what Kara thought might have been tears.
Kara didn’t need Dhaunmyr to tell her she had done the right thing; she knew. She wasn’t sorry for killing the men, not in the least. If it had been possible to end the fight without killing them, perhaps she would have tried to avoid it; but there hadn’t been time for that. All the same, she was glad for the response because it meant he had been listening.
He reached out, one hand stretching towards her. Kara hesitated, waiting - waiting. Dhaunmyr’s hand stopped in the middle, trembling.
And, slowly, Kara reached forward and clasped it with hers. Her hand was rough with calluses, the ragged edges of them catching on the bandages wound around him. Her skin was tanned, although still pale against his darker skin, and her hands much smaller than his, small and square in against his long graceful ones. All the same, Kara held his hand, firmly, ready to help Dhaunmyr to his feet - if he was ready - or just to stay there.
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Post by enchilada on Apr 22, 2019 23:37:45 GMT
Dhaunmyr seemed to look at their hands for a very long time, he was silent. He was swallowing back tears. Kara almost definitely knew he was doing it, but it was almost like if he didn’t actually let them cascade down his face, then he wasn’t allowing himself to show that to Kara.
It was weak, it had no place in anything, anywhere, but crying had far more stigma to it than just that. It would be hard for him to complain it was effeminate, almost, but no matter what he did, at least he didn’t cry. He could get away with everything else, as long as he never teared up around anyone. And if you cried when they were yelling at you, it just made them angrier and angrier. He didn’t want to do it, and he cried, and it got so much worse. And he’d managed to wrap Kara up in strength in his mind, the opposite of which was evidently weakness. And he wouldn’t allow himself to be such an idiot around her. Wandering around his room like that? He was eccentric and lively and funny. But he wasn’t going to follow that up with any tears now.
That’s why he was silent. If he spoke, it would tumble out. He had to wait for everything to pass. Dhaunmyr held on tight to Kara’s hand. The warmth of it a kind of familiar that was also completely strange.
He finally pulled himself up onto the bed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.” It was all he could manage. He was sorry.
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 22, 2019 23:43:51 GMT
Kara waited, patient and silent. She did not speak again, letting Dhaunmyr take all the time he needed, with no sign of any impatience or need to move. Her hand stayed firmly in his.
When Dhaunmyr started to move, Kara would pull, gently, effortlessly able to help him to his feet with some of her strength. It would feel very much like she wasn’t even trying, and certainly there was no sign of strain in her arms or torso.
“No,” Kara said quietly, not accepting Dhaunmyr’s apology. She wouldn’t force him to let go, but the moment he started to she would as well, not deliberately prolonging the contact. After a moment, Kara added, softly, “no need.”
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Post by enchilada on Apr 23, 2019 0:08:17 GMT
He looked at her. Unconvinced, dubious. He took his hand back only to cover his mouth with both of them, because he was agape. No need? Had he just had some kind of daydream and imagined all of that? No need? His face slipped forwards, Dhaunmyr now completely hiding his face in both his hands. If she really believed there to be no need, perhaps she had not been listening to what he said. In that case, he would be very glad for it, he’d rather ignore he ever said any of it, in fact, he’d rather ignore the whole lot ever happened, that he ever had to remember it rather than imagine it. For an average day, he could often achieve this. He’d only fleetingly think about such things, perhaps a reminder in a snippet of conversation, or a book, or a ring.
Dhaunmyr pulled himself out of the slouch, and stared at his hands, pulling off the ring and throwing it across the room, with some ferocity. “She’s not even here, and it’s like I fall in and out of love with her twenty times a day. I wish I could figure things out. But everything is so confusing. And I think it would have been easier if I had told her how I felt the first time she did what she did. But I thought it was just one time. How many times until things just stop being once or twice? If she hurt me, at least I’d be gone. My sisters hated her anyway, I could have just turned by back and she would have turned up dead and everything would have...”
He trailed off. He had no idea if that would have fixed anything. Dhaunmyr didn’t think he could forgive himself if anything had happened to... her.
“I’m an idiot, Kara. If you ever meet someone else like me you’ll have to choose between us, because there is no way you could ever handle two chaotic idiots ruining your perfectly good lunch.”
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Post by moralhazard on Apr 23, 2019 0:18:27 GMT
If Dhaunmyr had asked, Kara would have staunchly maintained that she had been listening. She had listened, she understood. And Kara accepted that Dhaunmyr needed to apologize; she understood that, and felt he had been right to apologize. Equally, however, Kara felt she had the right to refuse his apology. He had gotten upset; so what? He had done no damage to her, physically or emotionally. He had put her off her lunch a bit - Kara wasn’t sure if she could still eat the steak, it seemed rude. But that was all right.
Dhaunmyr pulled off his ring and flung it all the wall. Kara watched it go, listening. It sounded like she - whoever this she was - had hurt him. Badly. Her eyes dropped to his scarred hands, no Kara - wondered.
“Who was she?” Kara asked.
To be hurt by a lover - it wasn’t something that Kara had ever dealt with. She had known others who had. It was a terrible sort of pain. She couldn’t imagine how it would have been if -
Kara couldn’t think of it. She couldn’t let herself think of it. Five years and she hadn’t thought of it; there were things better left buried. Kara had cried herself out long ago; he was gone and she couldn’t think of him.
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